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A WASP in Siberia

Note: this one got lost in the drafts section for some time

I watched the Euro Finals match last night in Tyumen on the night of my departure to Novosibirsk.

Executive Summary: At least the white guy scored twice.

But at the bar, there were 2 Americans from the international program at the local university. One of them had a girlfriend with a 6/10 body and a 9/10 face. She was a hottie.

But the guy set off my gaydar almost immediately. He was an American, from New York, with that effected WASP lisp that I’ve grown to know and love so well. **cough** Spencer **cough**  He found this chick online. And he moved to Siberia to be with her, the only problem being that she already had a boyfriend. In fact she was engaged at some point. But this American stuck it out for 2.5 years in her friendzone, going between home and Siberia to stay in her friendzone orbit, until one day she broke up with her soon to be fiance and he swooped in.

I was speechless when I heard the story.

This kid has actually pulled off the impossible. He got out of the friendzone with a hottie by being a Beta!

But of course, there was more to the story than meets the eye. First off, he’s not a kid.

The t-shirt, short shorts and nu-male face threw me off. He was actually 32, and worked as an investment banker on and off. His friend started a firm, and he occasionally works for them when he’s in the United States. But his real passion is writing books! Being a bit of an author myself, I had to learn more.

As he chomped down on his burger (of course), he talked like he was on stage, the star of some production that we had all come to watch and applaud. Apparently, he wrote a 250 thousand word book about his experiences in LA doing drugs and finding himself. (Still unpublished of course) He listed his influences as being Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Palahniuk.

“Basically its a critique of modern capitalistic society,” he said.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. How original. My book is the real critique of modern society- which is why I had to write it under a pseudonym…But whatever. I kept listening to what the finance banker wannabe Tyler Durden had to say…

He said he wanted to move to Amsterdam because he loved the open-mindedness and tolerance of the city- isn’t that right, my sweet baby?- he said verbatim to the Russian chick who looked up from her phone and nodded.

…Man she was pretty, it was hard to look at him when he talked with his gay little lisp. She had that small slavic nose that, round little face and pulled back dirty blond-hair that makes it hard to believe gays could exist east of the Berlin Wall. But I tore myself away from staring at her profile and tried to re-focus.

The conversation turned to Londonistan. He remarked how shocked he was at how few Britons were in the city. And in Amsterdam too! Paris as well, he concluded. “Every city looks like New York now!” he exclaimed.

My first thought was that this kid was on the Chanel loop- living the expat life I always imagined for myself- before I decided to stick it out for some Eastern Promises instead.

“But its a good thing!” He assured us. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Its so vibrant.” Man he said those exact words. Like something out of a /pol/ twitter account parody… I was speechless and flabbergasted. I had been surrounded by these types all my life, but the last years abroad had made me forget just how real this libshit stereotype is. Everything, down to the NPR voice, was perfect. I gulped down my beer and tried to focus on the game that I ostensibly showed up to watch.

But he kept talking.

Funny enough, he told a story about how he saw some Arab men harassing some girls in London. Possessed by some white knight rage, he was about to intervene, he assures us. But the girls left without getting fiki-fikied.

A lesson to learn, he told us. “I’m not a racist, but these Ar-well Arab men, they uh, well they were not being respectful. It was inappropriate behavior is all I’m saying…” I kept as straight a face as I could as I listened.

I ended up chatting with his girlfriend while he went to get a smoke outside. I found out so much so quick. She was so keen to unload some chit-chat on somebody. Turns out they had met online, over skype as language exchange pals.

I used my go-to AMOG/Neg combo. “Dont you find that men need to act more like men, sometimes.” Her eyes lit up. This line never fails me in the current year,  I swear.

We ended up flirting the rest of the evening, even when he returned from his smoke. He eyed me balefully. Especially when I commented on his multi-culti experience. “What’s so bad about stopping further immigration?” He clammed up immediately and looked at the table with an incredulous expression on his face as if to say, “getta a load of this guy!”

No one returned the expression, there was only one other Jewmerican at the table, and all Russians or French, so the deck was stacked against him. He backed down and mumbled something about love and tolerance…Really checking all the boxes!

A Bourgeois! King of the petty Bobo’s! WASP connections to Wall st/consulting/k street/trust fund despite spending 2.5 years in Siberia. Now thats True privilege! Funny enough, I am supposed to be in some sort of cabal of ethnic solidarity with this guy. At least, I get lumped in the same category of privilege…

I realized that night that the sneaking suspicions I had about the corrupting influence of the anglo-sphere had reached critical mass in my head. Almost always, its an American that spreads this kind of message in yuppie expat circles abroad. 9 times out of 10. And the other 1 is split between the odd Swede or an Anglo-sphere country.

The evening concluded with them leaving a little early. I went clubbing afterwards and had an amazing time. Still, this little story will stay with me for some time. It’s not the first time I’ve noticed the anglo trend. And I doubt it will be the last.

Damn, never thought I’d run into a WASP in Siberia.

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